Ladies Coupe by Anita Nair A Christian Reflection on the Single State
Ladies Coupe is a novel by an Indian author, Anita Nair which looks at the issue of whether a single woman can be happy or is she incomplete without a man. The main character is Akhila, an unmarried woman in her mid-forties. Akhila was the eldest of 4 children and after the death of her father the responsibility of running the family fell on her. All her brothers and sisters get married except her. Her younger sister Padma stays with her because according to Padma a woman cannot be left alone, lest she go astray. Then one day she gets herself a one-way ticket to Kanyakumari. She gets reservation in the ladies compartment. She shares the compartment with five women, Janaki, Sheela, Margaret, Prabha Devi and Marikolanthu. Akhila strikes up a conversation with these women. Each of the women tells Akhila of their lives. After hearing out these five women and their stories of living in a cocoon sheltered by men or rampant exploitation again by men, Akhila decides that she can live alone. She needs no one. No man and no woman either. The book ends with Akhila asking her younger sister to leave because she feels that she does not companionship of any kind to live and thrive.
This book made me think of the many people, particularly women in our fellowship who are single, perhaps for many years and what the scriptures have to say on marriage and singleness. Whereas books like Genesis seem to indicate that in a large measure, marriage is largely God’s plan for people, in the New Testament, the single state is also celebrated.
Most times, when we talk about families in the church, it's easy to forget that not everybody fits into the same situation that we're in. Because I'm married, and because I have young children, it's natural for me to think about issues that married people with young children face. It's almost possible to believe that everybody is in the same situation that I'm in.
Therefore in our churches, there is very little teaching on coping with the single state. In fact, it is quite likely that our congregations have people who are struggling with these issues with since explicit conversations about marriage; singleness and loneliness are generally frowned upon except in very intimate circles. The Bible says that God sets the lonely in families (Psalm 68:6) but these families come in many designs and one of them is the fellowship and friendship to be offered by the Lord’s people.
In the novel, though Akhila is the eldest sibling, who has run the family after her father’s death, due to societal norms is not in control of her own life, which is remote controlled by her younger sister Padma. That is sad. But what is equally sad is her resolve to eventually cut herself off from all forms of social contact. That would not be what the scriptures would teach. They would teach people to cope with singleness in dependence on God …. But equally importantly, the scriptures would demand that genuine Christian fellowship provide a kind of family even if it is different from the one established through marriage. It is a denial of all Christian concern if there are any lonely Akhilas in our fellowships who not finding any one to reach out to, retreat inwards into isolation and withdrawal.
There used to be a time that singleness was identified as a temporary period that young adults faced before they got married. Some people still define singleness that way. My older brother didn't marry into his thirties, and it was amazing to see some of the comments that were directed at him. People wouldn't leave him alone because he was still single. People were continually matching him up with girls - sometimes a good thing, sometimes a bad thing. It all depended on how well they got along.
The underlying message, though, seemed to be that he was incomplete, or that his life hadn't really begun. Sometimes, even singles feel this way. Some of the markers that take place in married people's lives weren't as visible - the mortgage, the first child, the first child going to school, and so on. Sometimes we communicate subtle messages that say to a single person, "You haven't really lived and you can't be fulfilled because you're not married." They're made to feel almost like half a person. But that's not God's view at all.
When it comes to church, I've found that there's a group that's significant and growing, and yet many times we don't see this group. The ironic part is that all of us have spent time in this group, and yet I've found personally that those days are easily forgotten. Sometimes, without even knowing it, we make this group feel ignored or second-class. The language we use - talking about family picnics and family get-togethers - and the actions that we take can sometimes make this group of people feel like we don't even see them.
Truthfully, sometimes we don't. But it's not because they're not there, and it's not because this group isn't large, and growing. Maybe its naïve, but I'd love to be a church in which we saw past our marital status, and we acknowledged the significance and the value of every person in Jesus Christ. I'd love to see us develop deep and significant relationships beyond those who are just like us. I'd love to be a church in which singles didn't feel second-class, because the greatest person who ever walked this earth was himself single. I want to be the kind of church that affirms people both in marriage and in singleness - a church that recognizes the value of sacred singleness
No comments:
Post a Comment